I don’t teach attachment styles because I find it’s incomplete.

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It has useful to have awareness and language for what your relationship dynamic patterns have been. We can’t change what we’re not aware of.

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But the problem becomes when people use their attachment style as an identity. “I’m an anxious attachment style” becomes shorthand for the constant fear that you are too much or that you feel like you’re always chasing for love and affection.

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Whatever you say after the words “I am” has a powerful impact on your behavior and you belief system.

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Your identity becomes the perspective through which you see the world. You will see the world to prove yourself and your identity correct. You’ll do things because it reinforces your identity.

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And you label other people's behavior as red flags when an attachment style isn’t a diagnosis or life sentence.

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Most people think if they can use attachment styles the “right” way or if they can “heal” their attachment style, they’ll be able to avoid getting hurt. It’s not about healing your attachment style. It’s just been a pattern for you, and that pattern is no longer working so the pattern needs to change.

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Also, getting hurt is a part of life. No one gets out of this lifetime without experiencing pain and disappointment. We can’t avoid getting hurt, no matter how perfect we think we’re being.

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If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you never create anything new. What that means is you keep getting what you’ve always had.

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You’re not here to keep getting what you’ve always had.

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You want to create something new.

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And here’s the honest truth. We’re never just one thing. In some relationships or in certain situations, you might behave more anxiously. And other moments you might feel more avoidant. Things can fluctuate, but you can decide how to respond in those different moments.

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Since most people don’t talk about what to do after you discover your attachment style, I want to help you. Here’s how to move in your relationships, no matter what the dynamic might be.

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Four things to do:

1. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs or find other trusted people to help meet your needs. You don’t have to have your needs met by one person. It can help to regulate with a loved one who isn’t in this situation.
2. Self soothe and regulate. Take a few deep breaths, shake or dance out the feelings you’re having. Or take a moment to ground yourself. I do this by feeling my feet on the ground. This brings me to the present moment.
3. Celebrate your awareness. The fact that you’re noticing how you’re responding means that you have awareness, which is actually more important than you think! No matter how small your awareness, take a moment to celebrate that you’re noticing this. The act of celebration builds self trust.
4. From a place that is grounded and steady, assess the interaction. You can decide how you want to respond once you’re out of the height of your reaction.

Mark Twain said “habit is habit, and not to be flung out the window, but coaxed downstairs one step at a time.”

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We make small changes, new choices one step at a time and we celebrate every new choice. This is what interests me about attachment- how do we make a better choice for the life and the relationship that we really want. How do we become open to having and keeping the love we want?

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What’s you’re takeaway or ah-ha moment from this? I’d love to hear from you. Hit reply and tell me what resonated.

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With love,

Sarah

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Did you know I have a podcast? This week I talked about how to handle emotional pain. You can listen here: Listen to Breakup Pep Talks