I was the girl that thought getting my ex back was the solution.

​
​

So when new clients come to me and tell me that’s their deepest desire, I really feel and understand this.

​
​

My breakups were brutal. Not because of the conversation or how it went down, but because of how I felt afterwards.

​
​

I made myself miserable. I was crying so much I was nauseated. I would drink a second or third glass of wine with dinner just so I could get to sleep at night. Or I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t be a good friend because the only thing on my mind was my breakup and how much I hurt.

​
​

I thought the solution to my pain was to get my ex back. And after we would get back together, I would be happy again for a little while.

​
​

But the same fights would start and eventually we’d break up again. And the whole cycle would start over, except this time I would beat myself up for not seeing the writing on the wall.

​
​

What I know now that I wish I knew then is that I wasn’t solving the right problem. I was chasing the wrong ending.

​
​

What I was doing was chasing the familiar, even though it was unhealthy. This is a really typical nervous system survival strategy.

​
​

We will choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven every time.

​
​

Getting my ex back and being in that relationship felt safe and familiar. Facing the scary unknown was too much. So getting my ex back was the only solution that I could see in the moment.

​
​

The real problem under the obsession took me years of personal study and therapy. And I’m sharing what I learned with you so you don’t have to go through what I went through.

​
​

The problem was actually a lack of self-soothing skills. I needed to be able to hold myself through the darker emotions of grief and heartbreak and know in my bones that I would be ok without the relationship.

​
​

Without these skills, the only answer was to get back with my ex because that was the only thing that would soothe my nerves. But the answer is to practice a few tools that would help me to calm myself and reassure myself that I’d be ok.

​
​

And the next hurdle would come when I felt like no one would ever love me like that again. I’d go running back to my ex, thinking he was the one because I believed I’d never be that happy again.

​
​

The real problem was I didn’t know how to create a vision and a plan for my life that was more exciting than my past. I needed to believe what I wanted was not just possible but inevitable and my past was NOT as good as it gets. That was just the beginning.

​
​

Your breakup isn’t the end of your story. It’s just the turning point. The story is really about you learning how to be with yourself so that you can create a future that is more in alignment with who you are now. You’re growing, even if you don’t see it yet, and your future is going to grow with you.

​
​

Solve for the right problem so that you can finally feel free from the heaviness of your last relationship.

​
​

Learning how to calm your nervous system, detach from your past with love, and create a future that you’re excited about is what will actually lead you to a life full of relationships that feel really good to you.

​
​
​

Love this and want some practical tips about how to do this? Listen to this week’s podcast and I share practical tips to help you regulate your nervous system and create a future you love. Check it out here: Listen to the latest podcast episode!